Updated: Jun 22
I sometimes try to ignore things in hope that they will go away. Don’t we all? As much as I am pro-vulnerability I sometimes run away from it like it’s the plague only to stop myself once I am out of breath (most likely due to an anxiety attack) and ask myself: “What the F%*# are you doing? You can’t run for that long and also, you’ve realized time and time again that running away from something doesn’t make it go away it only makes you tired meaning you have to deal with such thing WHILE exhausted and you always feel good after being honest and authentic with yourself so stop the S…” WHEW! I’m back!
That was just one of the many thought loops I often find myself drifting off into while I have all of this time during the quarantine. It feels like this way of living is going to last forever. Thinking outside of it, feels a bit pointless since I don’t know what life will look like once we get back out there, all I know is that however it does look like, I will have to make something work. I will have to make something work just like I always have before. This got me thinking deeply into every other time I’ve gone through ~*it*~ and how I always came out better on the other side; sometimes that other side was a lesson on its own. I turned this into a productive procrastination exercise and it goes like this:
Think of every time something has gone “wrong” and find the right in the situation no matter how big or small the right is, it counts. Let’s try it:
I quit my not so cool job in a really cool industry.
Here I really got to discover that everything that shines isn’t gold. I landed this average job at a really cool company in a really cool industry and I was like “YASSS. This is it, I. made it.” Then I realized that making it meant living against my morals and I was like “NAH” and quit. Became immediately broke, still living with my parents, still dealing with an ex* and just downright unhappy. I know what you’re thinking: “GIRL, how are you going to tell us there is right in this situation?”
Well, let me tell you, due to the stress the job caused me I started having panic attacks which lead me to seek out a CBT therapist and start the most beautiful journey of them all. The one with myself where it’s all about me, me, me. I got diagnosed with OCD which just about explained my entire life. I was able to let go of mentioned lovely ex, I did a lot of forgiving, letting go, moving on and accepting and fell in love with myself, my journey and most importantly, decided I would never sacrifice my integrity for a job, a person or anything else out there.
I got my heart bruised a few times,
and bruised some hearts of my own. Which lead me to abstaining from human interaction, writing more, deciding to write a blog on dating apps (which I was not a fan off at the time), get on them to write mentioned blog, realize I did like dating apps, date a few people and REALLY pin down what I didn’t want in a relationship, getting off the dating apps, getting back on the dating apps, getting off again and finally, giving it another chance which I swore was the last time but this time coming in with zero expectations and meeting Michael. More on that later, can’t use up all my blog topics at once.
I worked a series of unsatisfying jobs
Waitress, substitute teacher, social media manager, operations, customer service…and realized exactly what I didn’t want to be doing and where I didn’t want to be. I found an opportunity to move to my favorite neighborhood in Brooklyn and I took it!
Got a job at a really cool restaurant job, they closed.
It was an Indonesian-style restaurant and so I discovered the magical ways in which one can use turmeric. That’s it.
I lived in a communal home and realized sharing space isn’t my thing
The three months that I did spend there helped me become aware and face some fears around my relationship with other women and I built solid friendships.
I didn’t publish the book I planned to,
YET! because my brain is on this state of creation and the ideas are just flowing and man, I am excited for it to be published at the right time, whenver that is.
I’ve refused to launch my app that’s going to save dogs everywhere,
which has made me question everything I believe in which has only reinforced the fact that I am in the right fields and that there is nothing else I want more in this world. It has also taught me a few of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn: I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others properly, I don’t have to do everything at once, small victories are victories and only I can make my success happen.
To be fully transparent, I completed the exercise as I wrote this blog for emotional effect and before I did, I was beating myself up for some of these things that have gone “wrong.” The reason why I put wrong in quotations is because there is no such thing. Once you find the lesson or the right in every “wrong” you realize things are just the way they are supposed to be. This is something you have to see for yourself. Try it.
*I was going to say shitt* ex but I’ve grown and wish to move past his shitt*ness so writing it down here makes me feel way better about it.